Lessons being learned (Part 1)

So I've been challenged a lot lately! By my kids, husband, friends, books, etc...this is how God teaches us things, or better yet, hits us over the head with them if we're not taking the subtle hints! If at any time we say we cannot hear God or know when He is speaking to us, I believe that at some point after He has, we will then realize "oh, that was from God". He often speaks to us but we allow too many other things to speak louder. When we are quiet, intensely listening to the ONE person we really should, we may hear Him speak. And if we are not hearing Him, there are plenty of ways to try to. That is where I've been at lately...seeking Him in all things (okay, well as many as I can and of course, still failing at that). I've been seeking to read some good books along with the Word...and funny how He will use them both to say the same thing...go figure! One of the reasons I'm trying to seek Him and hear Him is to learn to be a better parent and example to my kids right now...

Felicity, God love her (and so do I), has been quite the challenge lately. I believe it is mainly because she is too smart for her own good, knows way too many words and how to communicate them, so the natural next step is to use them against people...and voila, I have a mini 14 yr old inside my 4 yr old. And she is good...knows the right buttons to push and when. Of course, this creates not necessarily more work as a parent, it creates more self reflection and work on myself. The only one I can control is me...and the only one I'm responsible for (in a sense) is me! I tell Felicity that all the time - "It does not matter what someone else does or says, you know what is right and wrong and you will have to deal with the consequences when you choose poorly". Funny how that comes right back at you! And since I am a control freak (occasionally), you'd think I'd be really good at controlling myself...HA! So in response to her poor attitude and unkind words to me, I'm responsible for how I react, for what my attitude looks like and more importantly for the love of Christ that I am showing her, or not showing her. Parenting is such character building! I guess this is how God continues to grow us as adults...we think as we get older, the hard lessons to learn have already been had...NOT! So, as God is teaching me in my own quiet times, I need to learn how to relay those same lessons to my daughters as well...instill the love of Christ in them by speaking it louder than anything else they hear. I am truly amazed though every day how wonderful Felicity really is! If I could just get her to use all of that passion for the right things! I guess that will be my challenge and prayer for a very long time - that my children will use their strong passions and wills for His purposes and glory! He obviously has some pretty clear plans for them and their future!

I'm encouraged and learning from the passage in Hebrews 12

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful . Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. "Make level paths for your feet," so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.

Is my example making it easier for my girls to follow Christ? Am I being responsible for my actions and attitude, or am I allowing their negative ones to influence me? Wow...kind of funny to be learning the same thing your kids are ;)

Prayers being answered

So, I often wonder just how do I know if my prayers have been answered...I mean, I know He answers our prayers how He sees best and I've always had faith in that. I also know that "if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us" (1 John 5:14) So, my prayers lately have been (or so I at least try to have the right heart) that God would just close the doors if they shouldn't be open. And man, has he closed some doors lately!! So I am definitely not wondering about these prayers not being answered. But, it has opened my eyes to all my other prayers. It has made me evaluate where my heart truly is at when I'm praying, what I'm praying for, and who's will I'm really hoping will be accomplished. Right now, He's showing me to live by faith in taking steps of faith. It's not hard to "live by faith" if we always have a back up plan! And I think that's why He's been closing so many doors.

If I am to stay home, which does not make much sense on paper, then I have to rely on Him to take care of us and provide us with our needs....not all wants though! Which I've been convicted lately by going through James -

You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures (James 4:2-3)

OUCH! So, that is what I keep focusing on these days, that and how to set a good example for my 4 year old who has the attitude of a 14 year old...but that will be my next blog post ;)

Where is our heart during worship?

I've been thinking and praying a lot lately for our church; in fact, Joe & I both have. Joe has taken some steps of faith in challenging and encouraging other men to be part of the "solution" to the issues and challenges facing our church. It got me thinking, as well as some of the reading I've been doing, about how we even enter into our home church. When we have our own quiet time with God, it usually is a pretty personal experience. I mean, it's just me and God in those moments. I pray that He would guide me, teach me and show me what He's wanting to work on my heart about. BUT...do I pray that before walking in to church on Sunday morning? Do I put that much personal attention into my "Sunday worship experience"? Or, do I instead attend it as if it's me walking in on someone else's worship experience and quiet time with God? Are we attending a "preview" of what the pastor is learning in his quiet time? Is that how God meant our Sunday mornings to be spent? NO, I don't think so at least. So then I asked myself how can we make it more personal, how I can invest and learn from it?

And it takes me to the heart of the issue, which is the heart! Where is my heart at on Sunday morning? Sometimes I feel like it is right where it should be, open and ready for whatever it is that God wants to teach me or have me experience. But, other times sadly to say, it is closed up and wanting to watch and criticize someone else's experience. Well, if my heart is closed to what God may want to teach me that day, then of course I am not going to think it was a great sermon on Sunday morning. And, it may in fact be not a great sermon anyway, but the point is - if your heart is open to what God wants to teach you, then He can in fact teach it to you through anyone or anything. It is our responsibility to make "church" a personal experience. Yes, our pastors are responsible for tending their sheep, but as mature believers, we cannot pretend to be little lambs who can't find their way...it's a balance and takes work on each of our parts. But if we are not doing our best to make every day a day where we strive to honor God and allow Him to speak into our lives, then why are we surprised when we don't feel we are learning anything? Go figure!

And I'm talking about our entire church/worship experience. To me, a "worship service" is whatever your Sunday church experience includes...singing/praising, sermons, serving in nursery, setting up or tearing down. All these things are part of our worship experience because we can worship God in any and all of those aspects of a Sunday morning church experience. So, if we invite God to meet us there, meet us where we are at, He can (and wants to) teach us and use us at each of those experiences.

It reminds me of the song, "The Heart of Worship" written by Matt Redman. The story of how and why he wrote the song is great! He was at a church where the pastor felt that the congregation was not where they needed to be and not contributing, so he asked the question "When you come through the doors on a Sunday, what are you bringing as your offering to God?” They got rid of all music and sound system as their church sought God. This led Matt to write the song. It's explained in more detail at http://www.crosswalk.com/1253122/.
Some of the lyrics say:

When the music fades, all is stripped away, and I simply come / Longing
just to bring something that’s of worth that will bless your heart… / I’m coming
back to the heart of worship, and it’s all about You, Jesus...

Is it all about Jesus? Are we there to serve Him, praise Him, learn from Him and grow with others? Or, are we there to seek some kind of feeling induced by someone else's quiet times? Like I wrote earlier, we can view it as a bad sermon or a great sermon, but it's up to us to truly seek God's heart through that message so that it can still speak to us and teach us something. So, as we try to include God in our lives, hopefully daily, we need not forget about Sunday! Just because we go to church doesn't mean we don't need to include Him in that day as well.

Kids say...

There are so many things the girls say that are either hilarious, or rather profound for their age. I keep meaning to write them down, so as I hear, or remember some, I'm just going to post them.



Felicity (age 4) the other day asked "When do we get to take a train to France?" I said "well, we'd have to fly to Europe and then take a train; however, it costs a lot of money so it will not be for a very long time!" She said, "okay, I'll save my money and maybe we can go when I'm 16."....yeah, we'll see about that ;)



Callie (age 2) - I was about to change her diaper and she was holding a little bible, so I took it to put down while I changed her and she said "no, hold Jesus!"...can't argue w/ that :)

What does simplifying really mean?

"You are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary
has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." Luke
10:41-42 (NIV)

A common passage about Mary & Martha, but it's been a while since I've sat down to really understand what Jesus was saying to Martha. In the midst of reading this amazing book, Breathe, by Keri Wyatt Kent, I was brought to this Mary & Martha verse randomly through something else. It made me connect the two to understand a little better about not only simplifying our lives, but simplifying it for a purpose...a relational and spiritual purpose.

These days everyone is so busy; in fact, whenever someone asks how I'm doing, my answer is usually "fine, just busy"...why is that? Am I so fine that I don't have time to connect with the person asking how I'm doing? So why do I feel the need to simplify my life? It seems like a silly question in which you would answer "well, duh!" But, the truth is that I need to refocus my life, my goals, my relationships. And if I am not walking hand in hand with my heavenly Father, then why would He bless all of the other things or goals in my life. It's not that I don't spend time with God, but I often think just because I am doing something for Jesus, that I am doing it with Jesus...begs the question - are we so busy doing things for Him that we cannot find the time to spend with Him? That was Martha's problem - she was so busy cooking, cleaning, etc. for her guest that she neglected the guest himself. Our lives should not be about our "guests" but about the relationships we're building with them. And if I am so busy with so many things, then I am not building relationships the way God intended me to; especially the relationship with Him.

This brings me to the book, Breathe, that I'm currently reading. Kent explains the reason for writing the book in this way

"...because I want to learn more about how to live at a saner pace. Why?
Because the pace of our lives has profound implications upon the depth of our
lives. I don't want to just skim the surface of life; I want to have deep and
meaningful relationships with my family, my friends, God. And this I do
know: you can't hurry love."

I love the way she relates the depth of her life to her relationships. If our pace of life is so fast and hurried, then everything in our lives is also hurried. Is that how I want people to view me, as a hurried friend? I need to slow down to focus on what's important in life, starting with spending time with the Father, having a true meaningful relationship with Him.

That relationship with the Father, too, will reflect our pace of life. I know I'm quoting a bit too much of this book (and I've only read 2 chapters....yikes!), but I love the way she writes!!

"Any spiritual practice, from solitude to service, must be approached in an
unhurried fashion, or the benefits of the practice itself will be lost.
Connection with God, which is the reason for any spiritual practice, begins with
changing our focus (from ourselves and our problems to God and his sufficiency)
and changing our pace (from hurried and distracted to deliberate and focused).
That is what simplicity, slowing and Sabbath-keeping force us to do."

So, in essence, we need to focus on God and his sufficienty with deliberation and focus - I am not doing that in my busy, hurried day by any means!! This really makes me adjust my view of "being a Mary in a Martha world"...slowing down to focus and spend quality time with those important to us! Heck, I should know what quality time is; that is my love language!! Joe would never try to give me his 10 minutes of free time and think it is expressing true love to me...why should I expect God to settle for that either?

Frusterated Moments

Yesterday was a rough day...to say the least! It started out bad and got worse...or so it seemed at the moment. Poor Callie started throwing a fit at 7:30 am on our way to get the oil changed. It was on and off, literally, until 11am. Unlike Felicity, who although she would scream and yell during time out but would stay where we put her, Callie knows she can get up, come out, follow us around, etc. So, now I just hold onto her door when she's fighting it. The rule is if she's throwing a fit, she can come out when she is all done (meaning she's not throwing a fit anymore). But she comes out, or is behind her door yelling, "all done, all done". I explain to her that when she is all done, she will not be screaming and yelling anymore. Anyway, I could go on about how it went back and forth, how she fell asleep for a minute until I found her on her chair w/ her paci (which is supposed to stay in her bed) and how I woke her up by taking a picture of it, but I'll get to the point...well, one of the my points I guess. During one of those 10 or 20 minute periods where I was keeping her in her room, I just stood there, outside of her door, praying and asking that God would keep me calm and know how to help her understand and obey. The entire morning I just kept wondering if this is character building, what else am I in for? I know it's not that bad, but in the moment, it is quite frusterating!

And then there's Felicity...praise the Lord that their bad days are not on the same day! She knows me and knows to keep calm when Callie is acting like that. So after naps, etc. we go to the grocery store. Callie, of course, is whining about something most of the time. She has to stay in the cart while Felicity walks and stays with me (for the most part). At one point, Felicity asks "mommy, I'm being good today, aren't I? All day, right?" I said, "yes, Felicity you have been so good today and I really appreciate that!" She proceeds to explain to me "I want to be good ALL day because I don't want to frusterate you; isn't it good that I don't frusterate you?" I definitely told her how proud of her I was and how much I loved her, I also explained how much I love Callie, even when she acts like that. We talked for a few minutes about how even when we have frusterating moments, it doesn't change our love for someone. But, she was being so sweet and was just blessing me in that moment, knowing what I needed!!

I love my girls so much....even in those frusterating moments!! It's amazing how God continues to use my girls to teach me some great lessons! And at the end of the day, Callie will climb up on my lap, give me tons of kisses and love on me and I couldn't be more in love with that little girl....even though she sure knows how to give me some frusterating moments! And when Callie is like that, it kind of encourages Felicity to be a little more cuddly as well, since she's not usually that much of a snugglebug ;)

Felicity and Callie are truly some of the most valuable teachers; God sure has His way of speaking to us right where we're at :)

Sacrificial Love

I've been having a hard time sleeping lately...which usually means something is on my mind, or, God wants something on my mind and is trying to get a hold of me :) Last night, I finally got back up at 12:00 am did a couple e-mails since I was laying there wide awake. About 15 minutes later, I went back to bed. I was praying and talking to God about being a mom and the love relationship we should have with our children. Felicity has been weighing heavily on my heart lately. Mainly because she is so smart and quick sometimes, that I often have these really high expectations and am pretty hard on her when she messes up...just like any normal kid would mess up. It's not fair of me and I know it, so I've been trying to work on it. Anyway, so last night I was asking God to help me to love Felicity with the kind of love He has for us, His children. I want to show her not only my love, but be an example of Christ's eternal, selfless love as well; that He would shine through me (and Joe) to help her better understand who God is and how much love He has for us! I know that I love my kids soooo much! However, there are times where I start doubting myself as not being a good enough mom, not showing my kids enough love, etc.

About another 15 minutes in to being back in bed (about 1am), I hear that sound, that barking/wheezing coughing sound and instantly I run for Felicity's room! There she is knocking on her door (bless her heart! She knows once she's in bed, she's not supposed to leave her room, so she was knocking!) while she is crying and gasping for air (so it seems at least). I pick her up and try to calm her down because crying only makes it worse on her lungs. Joe gets her inhalers, etc. I'm sitting in her bed rocking her back and forth; she's crying and barely able to speak enough to say "mommy, it hurts so bad! when will it stop? why does this happen to me?" I litterally well up while writing this because it is just so sad to see your baby in so much pain and not be able to do much for her. She gets so scared, thinking she really can't breate, which in fact, I think she can, it's just a little constricted at the moment. Anyway, in the midst of her unable to barely speak, she manages enough breath and energy to say "I love you mommy!" She did that twice to me and once to Joe...I was just in awe of her love for us! Why is it that God has to teach us important lessons through our children? It really stresses the term "faith like a child". She was just clinging to me crying but also making sure I know that she loves me! Well, of course I kept saying it over and over to her and couldn't bare seeing her like that, so helpless and upset. God truly was saying to me, "You do love your child; don't doubt that"...I've never wanted so badly to take her pain upon myself!! And there it is - that moment where God is using me to show His love to her.

Be careful what you pray for!! I didn't think God would get me out of bed at 1am to help me show my love and His love to our sweet little girl, but He did. It's funny how so often we want our prayers answered immediately, and then there are those that we think will be a process and it could be a while til we see His answers. But not that time, nope...God was ready to answer that prayer right then and there.

She woke up fine this morning, so we'll see what tonight brings, but it was in that panic moment that God and Felicity taught me a little something about sacrificial love.

What comes next

I have been so blessed to be home for the past year! God truly has His ways of using so many different circumstances to accomplish His will, and our desires if they are in line w/ His. Now, as this time is coming to a close, most likely since I lose my unemployment in a couple weeks, I realize that I wish I would've been better at capturing every moment, enjoying the little things, and not taking my beautiful girls for granted! It's so easy to get caught up in the day to day grind and details that we so often overlook the simple joys that God blesses us with! Felicity may talk more than I can handle sometimes, but she says the most comical things and asks the funniest questions, plus, I know no other 4 year old who can challenge me intellectually like she can. Callie may whine every few minutes, but it's those in between times I should be relishing because she is the sweetest and most huggable thing! I love them so much and have been abundantly blessed to spend each day I have with them. And I've been even more blessed that at the end of each day, the love of my life walks in that door and wants to be what each one of us needs him to be...daddy, disciplinarian, lover, hugger, rough houser, cuddler - he's amazing!

But even more so, our God is so amazing! He knows exactly what is to come next. I can rest easy on Him to provide for us. "Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens." Ps. 68:19

So for now, I wait upon Him to decide what is to come. I'm trying to keep a strong, unwavering faith that He will continue to provide for us and open doors where we need to walk in. I wish I knew His will at times, but then it wouldn't allow for a growing faith. Security is not found in knowing what is to come, but in resting in His perfect timing of what is to come. Each day I want to strive to rely on Him more and more!