Sacrificial Love

I've been having a hard time sleeping lately...which usually means something is on my mind, or, God wants something on my mind and is trying to get a hold of me :) Last night, I finally got back up at 12:00 am did a couple e-mails since I was laying there wide awake. About 15 minutes later, I went back to bed. I was praying and talking to God about being a mom and the love relationship we should have with our children. Felicity has been weighing heavily on my heart lately. Mainly because she is so smart and quick sometimes, that I often have these really high expectations and am pretty hard on her when she messes up...just like any normal kid would mess up. It's not fair of me and I know it, so I've been trying to work on it. Anyway, so last night I was asking God to help me to love Felicity with the kind of love He has for us, His children. I want to show her not only my love, but be an example of Christ's eternal, selfless love as well; that He would shine through me (and Joe) to help her better understand who God is and how much love He has for us! I know that I love my kids soooo much! However, there are times where I start doubting myself as not being a good enough mom, not showing my kids enough love, etc.

About another 15 minutes in to being back in bed (about 1am), I hear that sound, that barking/wheezing coughing sound and instantly I run for Felicity's room! There she is knocking on her door (bless her heart! She knows once she's in bed, she's not supposed to leave her room, so she was knocking!) while she is crying and gasping for air (so it seems at least). I pick her up and try to calm her down because crying only makes it worse on her lungs. Joe gets her inhalers, etc. I'm sitting in her bed rocking her back and forth; she's crying and barely able to speak enough to say "mommy, it hurts so bad! when will it stop? why does this happen to me?" I litterally well up while writing this because it is just so sad to see your baby in so much pain and not be able to do much for her. She gets so scared, thinking she really can't breate, which in fact, I think she can, it's just a little constricted at the moment. Anyway, in the midst of her unable to barely speak, she manages enough breath and energy to say "I love you mommy!" She did that twice to me and once to Joe...I was just in awe of her love for us! Why is it that God has to teach us important lessons through our children? It really stresses the term "faith like a child". She was just clinging to me crying but also making sure I know that she loves me! Well, of course I kept saying it over and over to her and couldn't bare seeing her like that, so helpless and upset. God truly was saying to me, "You do love your child; don't doubt that"...I've never wanted so badly to take her pain upon myself!! And there it is - that moment where God is using me to show His love to her.

Be careful what you pray for!! I didn't think God would get me out of bed at 1am to help me show my love and His love to our sweet little girl, but He did. It's funny how so often we want our prayers answered immediately, and then there are those that we think will be a process and it could be a while til we see His answers. But not that time, nope...God was ready to answer that prayer right then and there.

She woke up fine this morning, so we'll see what tonight brings, but it was in that panic moment that God and Felicity taught me a little something about sacrificial love.

What comes next

I have been so blessed to be home for the past year! God truly has His ways of using so many different circumstances to accomplish His will, and our desires if they are in line w/ His. Now, as this time is coming to a close, most likely since I lose my unemployment in a couple weeks, I realize that I wish I would've been better at capturing every moment, enjoying the little things, and not taking my beautiful girls for granted! It's so easy to get caught up in the day to day grind and details that we so often overlook the simple joys that God blesses us with! Felicity may talk more than I can handle sometimes, but she says the most comical things and asks the funniest questions, plus, I know no other 4 year old who can challenge me intellectually like she can. Callie may whine every few minutes, but it's those in between times I should be relishing because she is the sweetest and most huggable thing! I love them so much and have been abundantly blessed to spend each day I have with them. And I've been even more blessed that at the end of each day, the love of my life walks in that door and wants to be what each one of us needs him to be...daddy, disciplinarian, lover, hugger, rough houser, cuddler - he's amazing!

But even more so, our God is so amazing! He knows exactly what is to come next. I can rest easy on Him to provide for us. "Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens." Ps. 68:19

So for now, I wait upon Him to decide what is to come. I'm trying to keep a strong, unwavering faith that He will continue to provide for us and open doors where we need to walk in. I wish I knew His will at times, but then it wouldn't allow for a growing faith. Security is not found in knowing what is to come, but in resting in His perfect timing of what is to come. Each day I want to strive to rely on Him more and more!